never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
