hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
