I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
