the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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