He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
