Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
