That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
