I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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