Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
