Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize