In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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