apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm getting married
To pizza
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
