rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
