remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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