you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
