i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
