ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
