i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize