My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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