My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
