This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize