Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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