What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
