Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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