Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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