Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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