I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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