I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
