I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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