someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
