my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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