Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
