The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
