He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize