The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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