She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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