my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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