I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
