I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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