Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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