he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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