Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize