I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
