I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
