He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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