My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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