my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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