ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
