i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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