are you so shy because you have an std?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
