Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
