I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
