I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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