i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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