You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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