Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just threw up on my dentist
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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