I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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