I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Semen is not good for contacts.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
