I think my fart just growled at me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
