Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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