He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This is classic penis vs brain.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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