Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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