I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
