i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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