K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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